Liberating Your Authentic Self

Carl Jung, a colleague of Sigmund Freud and the founder of analytical psychology, first introduced the concept of psychological type in the 1920s with the idea that there are two basic attitude types—extroverts and introverts—and what he called the four functions of consciousness: thinking, feeling, sensing, and intuiting. Jung was the first to fully develop the idea that different people have different ways of perceiving and approaching the world, and that these differences are innate. For example, one person may use thought as a guide to making decisions, while another will follow their feelings. By identifying different psychological types, Jung laid the foundation for our modern-day understanding of personality.

Like Jung, I believe that we all have innate personality traits and temperaments. Most parents will tell you that they can identify traits in their own children from birth—distinct temperaments and predispositions. Some toddlers, for example, are quiet and still, hanging back, observing everything around them. Others jump into the fray feet first, full of energy and enthusiasm. However, research on twins reared apart, conducted over the past 30 years at the Minnesota Center for Twin and Family Research (University of Minnesota) by professor Thomas J. Bouchard, Jr. and his team, provides perhaps the most powerful evidence of innate personalities. In research originally published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 1988 and discussed at length in a New Yorker piece published in 1995, the Minnesota team assessed twin pairs for personality characteristics such as a “sense of well-being, social dominance, alienation, aggression, and achievement . . . They concluded that identical twins reared apart were as much alike as identicals reared together.” The Minnesota twin studies, combined with a slew of other studies conducted over the past two decades, provide ample evidence that we are born with certain personality characteristics.

Part of retrieving your authentic self involves identifying your innate personality traits, the characteristics you were born with that may have been suppressed through your life conditioning. For example, you may be more innately extroverted—more outwardly than inwardly directed. But say you grew up with a father who was an alcoholic and he’d fly into rages when he was drinking. Your coping mechanism may have involved staying below the radar screen and not making a peep. You withdrew from the world, a characteristic that’s in conflict with your true nature. In my coaching work, as part of the process of identifying clients’ innate personality characteristics, I use the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), a popular personality test developed by Katharine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers in the 1940s based on Carl Jung’s theories. Since its inception, millions of people have taken the MBTI assessment, and it’s been updated and refined through ongoing research. The results are remarkably comprehensive and illuminating. But while the MBTI tool is valuable for helping people understand their innate natures, it is only one piece of the puzzle.

Unearthing your authentic self also involves identifying your true passions and strengths, as well as your interests and life purpose. I believe that we all have an inborn purpose, and fulfilling that purpose is critical to the quality of our lives and our sense of well-being. To be able to live from your authentic self you have to first know who you really are. What do you feel strongly about? What captures your interest? What inspires and motivates you? What is the contribution you’d like to be making in the world?

The process of retrieving and liberating the authentic self involves a good bit of detective work. Each of us is unique, and the formula for finding that uniqueness can be as individual as we are. But achieving that understanding can be transformational. As D. H. Lawrence wrote, “You’ve got to know yourself so that you can at last be yourself.”

Are you ready to liberate who you were born to be? Join Lauren 3/15-17, 2013 at Kripalu in Lenox, MA for the LIVE BOLDLY & LIBERATE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF weekend workshop! For info and registration, click here.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2013 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, psychotherapist, and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Live Boldly! - Santa Monica, CA 1/3/13

Live Boldly & Liberate Your Authentic Self! What would you do if you knew you could not fail—if you were free from the fears, limiting beliefs, and habitual behaviors that keep you stuck? In this life-changing, FREE presentation, coach and international bestselling author of Solemate, Lauren Mackler, uncovers the hidden drivers that keep people from living the lives to which they aspire. Participants learn about the "potential blockers" that hold people captive in unfulfilling personal lives, careers, and relationships, and practical tools for moving through these blocks to liberate their potential and become the person they were born to be. The event is free, but seating is limited on a first-come basis.

January 3, 2013, 7:00 pm-8:00 pm Santa Monica Library 2601 Main Street Santa Monica, CA

To pre-register, send an email to info@laurenmackler.com.

12/11/12 Live Chat with Wall Street Journal

Join me and Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein for a live online chat about dysfunctional family dynamics & coping strategies at 11:30 a.m. today. To submit your questions now, click here.

Cultivate Healthy Relationships

Nourish relationships with people who are supportive, and avoid those which are detrimental to you.--Lauren Mackler Find out how in my Huffington Post article. To read, click here.

From Intention to Action

"Many people don’t achieve their life vision because they fail to move from intention into action."—Lauren Mackler If you're ready to move into action, click here!

Minimize Stress and Maximize Life!

Knowing how stress can affect people's physical health and emotional well-being, I am thrilled to support my friend Kristen Brown's new book, The Happy Hour Effect: 12 Secrets to Minimize Stress and Maximize Life. Chock full of practical tools from Kristen, myself, and other contributing authors, the book is a great resource for managing stress in all areas of your life. Order it today and you'll receive $1000 in free bonus gifts! To order, click here.

6 Steps to Develop Your Intuition

Are your emotions or intuition running your life? Your intuition is your instinctive knowing—or gut feeling—about whether or not something is right for you. Intuition and emotions are very different. Your emotions can fluctuate, often changing from one day to the next based on immediate circumstances. Your intuitive feeling about something, on the other hand, tends to remain pretty consistent.

If you’re making a major decision—especially one that takes you out of your comfort zone—it’s important to feel confident that it’s the right one. So you’ll want to check in with your intuition over a period of time—over days or weeks or even months—to see how that decision sits with you.

To develop your intuition, you have to start paying attention to it. As situations arise that require making a decision, ask yourself: How does this feel for me? Is this what I should be doing? How does this sit with me? Is this an emotional reaction? Or is this something that’s going to stick?

If you’re evaluating a relationship, ask your intuition: How does this person sit with me? What’s my gut feeling? Use it in the work you do. Use it in your everyday life. You can tap into your intuition in a variety of ways. People who believe in a higher power often turn to prayer for inner guidance. Others use meditation to invoke the intuitive part of themselves. The key is to begin trusting that your intuition is trustworthy and able to guide you.

Listening to and following your intuition is a practical tool for living in alignment with your authentic self. Below is an exercise to help you develop your intuition as a practical barometer for determining whether you’re on course or off course in your life.

1. Write down a real-life example of a time when you had a “gut feeling” about a person, situation, or action that you discounted or ignored, and, by ignoring your intuition, produced a negative outcome.

2. Describe the “gut feeling” you had at the time. For example, it may have been a physical sensation like butterflies in your stomach, breaking out in a sweat, or constriction in your chest; a feeling of dread, fear, or uncertainty; a sense of caution, reluctance, or resistance; or just a strong sense about something you should or shouldn’t do.

3. List the negative outcome(s) you experienced by not following your intuitive messages and signals.

4. Now, write down a real-life example of a time when you had a “gut feeling” about a person, situation, or action that you acted upon, and, by acting on your intuition, produced a positive outcome.

5. Describe the “gut feeling” that you had at the time. For example, it may have been a physical sensation like butterflies in your stomach, breaking out in a sweat, or constriction in your chest; a feeling of dread, fear, or uncertainty; a sense of caution, reluctance, or resistance; or just a strong sense about something you should or shouldn’t do.

6. Describe the positive outcome(s) you experienced by following your intuitive messages and signals.

Over time, you’ll find that the more you trust your intuition and allow it to set your direction, the more you build that trust. Develop a habit of continually checking in with your intuition by asking yourself: Does this feel right to me?

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2012 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, psychotherapist, and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Life Keys Radio: Honoring Your Intuition

Your intuition is a valuable tool for living in alignment with your authentic self. While some people are naturally more intuitive than others, we all have the capacity to develop intuition. In this Life Keys Radio episode, Lauren and her guest Sonia Choquette discussed how to develop your intuition and use it as a barometer in your daily life. To listen, click on the link below. Honoring Your Intuition

Life Keys Radio: The Art of Compassion

Many people walk around with an internal “junk yard” of anger and self-righteousness that contaminates their relationship with themselves, and their relationships with others. Tune in to this Life Keys Radio episode to hear Lauren and her guest Sharon Salzberg talk about how to replace the shackles of anger and resentment with the freedom and joy of living a compassionate life. To listen, click on Life Keys Radio Show.

Death with Dignity

Watching a loved one die without dignity is devastating. Sadly, both of my parents experienced prolonged, painful, and what I considered to be, unnecessarily inhumane deaths. Twelve years ago I attempted to discuss end-of-life planning with my mother and father. Because I believe that death is simply a transition to another plane of existence, I tend to approach the topic in a rather direct and practical way, as was the case with my parents back in 2000. I suggested that they do end-of-life planning in advance, to ensure clarity about their wishes and to avoid any potential family conflict. But because neither of my parents were able to discuss or plan for death, at the end they were each kept alive by artificial means and suffered heart-wrenching deaths.

Following emergency surgery for a ruptured intestine, my 90 year-old father languished on a hospital respirator for more than a month. During this time, I happened upon a documentary on HBO called How to Die in Oregon. The film is about the Death with Dignity laws in Oregon and Washington, which allow mentally competent, terminally-ill adults to voluntarily request and receive a prescription medication to hasten their death. How to Die in Oregon doesn't tell people how they should die, but it shows how having more options for end-of-life care gives people more peace of mind in their final days.

I had always felt conflicted about physician-assisted suicide. But after watching the How to Die in Oregon documentary, I became convinced that Death with Dignity should be a legal option for any adult facing terminal illness. On November 6, 2012, the Death with Dignity Initiative (also known as Question 2) will appear on the general election ballot in my home state of Massachusetts. The proposed law would allow for a terminally ill adult with six or fewer months to live to be given lethal drugs. The patient requesting the medication must be mentally capable to make medical decisions while consulting their respective doctors. Patients would be required to submit their request orally twice and witnessed in writing, and the initial verbal request must be fifteen days prior to the written request and second oral request. The patient's terminal diagnosis and capability to make health care decisions must be confirmed by a second doctor.

Supporters of the proposed law argue that the measure would give terminally ill patients dignity and control over their deaths, and would alleviate suffering. Opponents argue that the measure is morally wrong, and that beneficiaries of terminally ill patients could abuse the provisions presented by the proposal. In early October, YouGov America interviewed 498 registered voters in Massachusetts for a poll released by the University of Massachusetts. The survey found 65% of the registered voters would vote yes on the Death with Dignity initiative.

Having witnessed the heartbreaking suffering of both of my parents, I feel strongly that I’d want the legal option to utilize the Death with Dignity Act should I ever be faced with a terminal illness. Rather than incur prolonged suffering or be a burden to my family, I would prefer to have a “good death”—have the time and ability to say goodbye to my loved ones, be able to leave when it’s time to go, and not have my life unnecessarily prolonged.

© 2012 Lauren Mackler

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2012 Lauren Mackler Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, psychotherapist, and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Celebrate Your Self!

Flowers and chocolate are just lovely on Valentine’s Day if you have a Valentine. If you don't, it can be just down right depressing. Lauren Mackler, coach, psychotherapist & best-selling author of "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life," was recently interviewed on FOX about Valentine's Day as an opportunity to celebrate your relationship with your self.

Alone This Valentine's Day?

If you're going to be alone on Valentine's Day, catch my television interview tomorrow, 2/10, on FOX at 9:45am for some great celebration tips!

WANT GREATER WHOLENESS?

SOLEMATE WEEKEND WORKSHOP!3/16-18, 2012 at Kripalu Lenox, MA

Are you ready to gain mastery over your own life? Many people spend years waiting for a “soul mate” to make them feel complete. Others settle for difficult or unfulfilling or relationships out of fear of being alone. Instead of depending on someone else to make you whole, this workshop takes you on a life-changing journey to greater self-mastery, empowerment, and well-being—whether you’re living your life on your own or in a relationship. For more info or to register, click here.

The Art of Resilience

Do you sweat the small stuff or feel chronically stressed? If so, you’re not alone. According to a 2008 national survey by the American Psychological Association (APA), 77 percent of Americans reported having physical symptoms due to stress, and 73 percent claimed to be experiencing stress-related psychological problems.   Stress is an emotional and physical reaction caused by our responses to life challenges. There is no universally accepted definition of stress and each person reacts differently, based on their innate personality traits, early conditioning, and life experiences. What is overwhelming for one person may be exciting to another, while that same situation may have little impact on someone else.

In small amounts, stress can be a positive impetus. It can inspire productivity and motivate you to complete your goals. But chronic stress can have many adverse effects, including irritability, depression, headaches, gastrointestinal problems, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, depletion of the immune system, and even life-threatening illness.

The best antidote to stress is resilience. Resilience means having the ability to respond to change or adversity proactively and resourcefully. It involves a process of consciously drawing on the beliefs, behaviors, and skills that can help you respond to challenges effectively, and move beyond them as a stronger person.

Findings from the Kauai Longitudinal Study showed that resilient people did not passively react to negative life circumstances, but proactively took action to achieve positive outcomes. Instead of staying stuck in feelings of anger, fear, or anxiety, step back and ask yourself, “What reaction am I having, how do I want to respond, and what outcomes do I want?” Next, brainstorm possible courses of action, determine those most likely to produce desired outcomes, prioritize your action steps, then move into action.   

Below are some additional tips to develop greater resilience and to help you manage stress.    Reframe change from a threat to a natural part of life. Instead of resisting change, embrace it as a natural progression of life. Every time you find yourself holding on to what was, say to yourself, “I release the past, cooperate fully with today, and enthusiastically embrace tomorrow.” The foundation of resilience is accepting change as an inevitable part of life. Fighting it not only produces frustration, but it keeps you from taking action and moving forward. 

Identify the opportunities inherent in the challenge. There is much truth in the old adage of what does not kill us makes us stronger. To help you turn a stressor into an opportunity, write down the specific situation causing you to feel stressed. For example, “I’m worried I’m going to lose my job.” Next, write down how you can turn your concern into an opportunity. For example, you could get your resume updated and start networking to find that fulfilling job you’ve been dreaming about for the last two years.        

Develop greater awareness and self-mastery. The more awareness and self-mastery you have, the greater your resilience. Personal development has many benefits, one of which is gaining greater clarity about your reactive patterns and how they may be negatively impacting your life. Finding good resources to change habitual, limiting patterns will not only transform your life, but it will provide you with effective life skills to draw upon in difficult times.

Build a strong inner support system. Despite the deluge of information about the link between diet and health, most people don’t actively embrace that they are what they eat. Your body runs on fuel in the form of food, and if the fuel you put in your body is not healthy, you can’t expect your body to produce optimal wellness. A diet low in nutrients can deplete your reserves of vitamins and minerals, making it even more difficult to manage stress. Reduce or eliminate caffeine, sugar, and alcohol, and replace fatty meats and processed foods with fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, lean meat and fish, nuts, seeds, and legumes. 

Change is part of the human condition and no one is exempt from emotional pain and adversity. Developing resilience is a critical key to not only accepting and meeting a life challenge head on, but being able to get to the other side of it with greater wisdom and strength.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2012 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Cooperate with What is

I release the past, cooperate fully with today, and enthusiastically embrace tomorrow.

Resilience

Resilience is accepting those things that are beyond your control and turning adversities into opportunities to strengthen and grow.

The Art of Psychotherapeutic Coaching

I'll be presenting my psychotherapeutic coaching method, Illumineering, 12/8 at the 12/5-11 Psychology of Health, Immunity and Disease Conference in Hilton Head, South Carolina. I'll be speaking with Joan Borysenko, Bruce Lipton, David Whyte, Ronald Siegel, and many more great presenters. Click here for more info.

Breaking Promises to Yourself?

“I continually make promises to myself, but I never follow through.”

Sound familiar?

Transforming self-defeating patterns into self-supporting behaviors that stick is one of the hardest things to do. Change is hard and we all slip up.  The key is to getting yourself back on-course when you do.

When you find yourself falling back into old, limiting patterns, think of it as a process of course-correcting. Welcome the challenge—it means that you’re taking charge of your life. Don’t judge yourself. Instead, treat yourself with compassion.

Below are some common pitfalls to personal transformation and some ways to override them:

Feeling overwhelmed. Most likely, if you start to feel overwhelmed, it’s because you’re trying to make too many changes all at once. The best way to deal with this is to step back and look at your personal development goals. If you’re taking on too much, it’s time to reprioritize. Maybe you need to focus on one or two things instead of three. Or maybe one of your goals requires a lot of effort, so it’s taking up all your energy. Identify the things that are most important to you right now in your life. If you need to, just focus on one goal at a time and don’t move on to the next one until the first one is achieved.

Feeling discouraged. This often happens when you’re listening to the inner critic—the inner voice that says: “You’ll never make it.” “It’s hopeless.” “This is too hard.” “You’re not moving fast enough.” Whatever that voice is saying, you need to articulate a response, drawing from the part of you that longs for change and feels optimistic. Review your past accomplishments; remind yourself of what you’re capable of doing and being. Instead of focusing on and feeding the old voice that drags you down, actively support the part of you that believes in you and your ability to create the life you want.

Falling back into old patterns. There are two ways to address this issue. First, be aware that you’re more likely to slip up when you’re trying to achieve change all by yourself. It may be that you don’t have an outer support system to help you maintain your focus and discipline and to give you the kind of outside encouragement everyone needs. Outer supports might include a trusted friend or family member, a coach or therapist, or a supportive group. To have a strong outer support system, you have to actively build and sustain it. That involves reaching out to people instead of keeping yourself isolated. Second, if you’re falling back into old patterns, avoid situations that trigger your old behaviors. For example, if you habitually eat junk food when you’re feeling isolated and lonely on weekends, schedule some weekend social activities to bypass the old trigger.

Lack of energy. Take good care of yourself. A lack of energy typically relates to a failure to sustain your inner support system, which provides the physical, emotional, and mental energy needed to achieve your goals. If you’re eating poorly, neglecting your health, or living a high-stress lifestyle, you’re depleting your inner resources. That will make it difficult to maintain the energy you need to participate fully and actively in your life.

Lack of motivation. If you don’t have a loving and caring relationship with yourself, it’s hard to feel motivated to take action and make good choices for yourself. Building and sustaining a healthy, loving relationship with yourself is absolutely crucial to personal transformation. Loving yourself compels you to make lifestyle choices that make you feel good and that will generate the new results that you want.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2011 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Solemate Workshop 11/25-27, 2011

SOLEMATE Workshop11/25-27, 2011 Kripalu - Lenox, MA

World-renowned coach and bestselling author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life, Lauren Mackler, presents her groundbreaking workshop to help you achieve mastery of your own life, and greater wholeness and well-being on your own or in a relationship. For info and registration, click here.

SOLEMATE 10/1/11 in Cambridge, MA

SOLEMATE Presentation & Book SigningWorld-renowned coach and bestselling author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life, Lauren Mackler, presents her groundbreaking roadmap to help you achieve mastery of your own life, and greater wholeness and well-being on your own or in a relationship. For info and registration, click here.