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A New View of Aloneness

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Although being single is more accepted than it was 30 years ago, there’s still a mindset that if you don’t have a mate, there must be something wrong with you. Many people still believe that marriage is the ideal lifestyle, and we’re barraged by music and movies espousing romantic love as the answer. It’s difficult to even imagine a movie that ends with the star living contently alone instead of living happily-ever-after with a mate. The classic line in the film Jerry Maguire—“You complete me”—reinforces what many singles believe: If I can find a mate, I’ll be happy. And if I can’t, I’m in trouble. If you’re alone and believe that “there must be something wrong with me” it will have an enormous impact on your life. You may actually be setting yourself up for rejection because other people are less likely to be drawn to someone lacking self-confidence. And feelings of low self-worth may cause you to withdraw from the very people and activities that can enrich your life. Loneliness then becomes a self-perpetuating and self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you want to live a happier life alone, you have to believe that you can. Instead of viewing aloneness as a source of loneliness and pain, think of it as one of freedom and opportunity. To reframe negative perceptions, write down the challenges of your aloneness. Your list might include things like: “I make others’ needs more important than my own,” or “I feel insecure around people I don’t know.” Identify whatever holds you back from reaching your fullest potential. Now next to each challenge, write down the opportunity it presents. Based on my examples, these might include, “Learn how to set healthy boundaries with people” and “Develop greater self-confidence around people.”

Next, start turning those opportunities into action. Here’s an example: Let’s say you have a free Saturday. You can look at it from two perspectives. You can stay home feeling sorry for yourself because you have nothing to do. Or you can look at it differently: “I have a free day to do anything I want. I can go to the gym, call a friend and go to the movies, work in my garden, or read a great novel.” Then do something that something that truly engages you.

As you take steps toward mastering aloneness, recognize that you’ll slip up. Imagine how a smoker quits smoking. He throws away that first pack of cigarettes. Then he might weaken and buy another pack, then just smoke a few cigarettes, then give it up for another few weeks, then start up again. And one day, he’s just done with it. Like quitting smoking, mastering aloneness is about changing habitual patterns of thought and behavior. Be gentle with yourself. When you slip up, think of it as getting more information about what doesn’t work for you. Committing to mastering the art of aloneness means realizing that you will slip up; treating yourself with compassion when you do, and then moving forward in becoming the person you were born to be. To view Lauren's video interview, A New View of Aloneness, click here.

© 2010 Lauren Mackler

Life Keys Radio Show 5/4: Discovering What You Were Born to Do

Finding the right vocation and work are an important part of caring for and expressing your soul. Join Lauren and her guest, author Thomas Moore, to learn how to manifest joyful work that can serve as a pathway to living a more fulfilling and integrated life. Tune in to the Life Keys radio show on Tuesday at 3pm ET, 12pm PT at Hay House Radio.   Have a question? Call me toll-free during the live show in the US and Canada at 866-254-1579. International callers can dial the country code then 760-918-4300.

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Lauren Mackler - Living an Extraordinary Life

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In this inspiring keynote presentation, Living an Extraordinary Life, renowned coach, radio show host, and bestselling author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life, Lauren Mackler, talks about the hidden factors that keep a lid on your potential, and practical tools for liberating your innate potential and becoming the person you were born to be. www.laurenmackler.com

About Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, keynote speaker, bestselling author, and host of the weekly Life Keys radio show on Hay House Radio. She has risen to international prominence by developing Illumineering™, a groundbreaking coaching method that integrates family systems work, psychodynamic psychology, and coaching to help people free themselves from the shackles of their life conditioning, and create the personal and professional lives to which they aspire.

Over the past 25 years, Lauren has been a psychotherapist, corporate executive, consultant, teacher, and a leading authority in human behavior, personal transformation, relationships, and professional performance. She is the author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life and fellow author of Speaking of Success with Jack Canfield, Stephen Covey, and Ken Blanchard. In 2001, she founded Lauren Mackler & Associates, integrating her unique combination of expertise in psychology and business to offer individual coaching, workshops, and professional training programs that are recognized as being among the best in the world today.

Prior to founding LMA, Lauren worked as a coach at Right Management, served as Vice President of Learning & Organizational Development at Boston Financial, and led Arthur Andersen's New England People Strategy consulting practice. She lived in Europe for eight years, where she worked as a psychotherapist and workshop facilitator. A pioneer in integrating the principles of psychoimmunology and holistic healing in her counseling practice, her groundbreaking work drew national attention in Germany in the early nineties. As a leading expert, Lauren is frequently featured in the media, a partial list of which includes CNN, FOX, The Wall Street Journal, The Huffington Post, The Daily Mail, NPR, Money Magazine, Living Fit, Body & Soul, Marie Claire, Ladies Home Journal, The Boston Globe, and Boston Business Journal. Before entering the personal and professional development field in 1982, Lauren worked in the entertainment industry as a host on the PM Magazine television show and as a vocalist with the recording group Tuxedo Junction.

Lauren frequently appears as a keynote speaker to corporations, and facilitates workshops at Omega Institute, Kripalu, Esalen Institute, Canyon Ranch, and other retreat and conference centers around the world. In 2009 Lauren founded the Illumineer™ Coach Institute, which offers Illumineering™ Coach Trainings to train and certify professionals in the Illumineering™ method. You can access Lauren's event schedule and sign up for her free Live Boldly newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Lauren holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology, Masters-level German certification in Psychotherapeutic Counseling, a Master's degree in Organizational Development, and she is a graduate of The Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute.

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