Anger is a normal and very human emotion. But few people have been taught how to effectively express and manage anger. Instead, we learn how to deal with anger by our parents’ role modeling, and by how our parents reacted to our own anger growing up. We may have been taught to rationalize our anger away, blame or verbally attack the person who’s made us angry, or withdraw and avoid the other person—and our anger—altogether.
In a healthy family, the parents accept anger as a normal emotion that needs to be discharged. But in a family where anger is taboo, those feelings can’t be expressed. If someone grows up in that type of family, they may develop a habit of internalizing anger. Or they may react by outwardly expressing it in destructive ways—maybe through an explosive temper or through passive-aggressive behavior in which they express anger by being critical, sarcastic, judgmental, or oppositional.
Occasional feelings of anger are normal and healthy, but chronic anger—feeling angry much or most of the time—is not. The underlying roots of habitual anger include:
Internalized rage from being the victim of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse
Adopting the same angry behavioral style role-modeled by parents
Conditioned pattern of using anger to get parental (and later others’) attention
Adopting anger to compensate for feelings of powerlessness or of not being good enough
Core beliefs based on early life experiences
For example, I had a coaching client who was bullied about her weight throughout elementary school. As a result of her real-life experiences, she formed a core belief that people can’t be trusted—that they’re always out to get her. In response, she developed a very confrontational behavioral style that became a life-long pattern. She was very difficult, she angered easily, and she consistently alienated people. She had trouble getting along with co-workers and keeping a job because she was very oppositional and blamed others for anything that went wrong. Her anger also seeped into her personal life, wreaking havoc in her relationships. Her behavior was very counterproductive—and it was driven by an underlying belief that she had carried inside since childhood. Of course, her behavior toward others produced a self-fulfilling prophecy, reinforcing her core belief about people’s untrustworthiness over and over again.
Our early life conditioning is just one driver of anger. The stressors of today’s world are yet another contributor. We live in uncertain times, and life as we knew it is constantly changing. The pandemic, loss of jobs, financial hardships, environmental disasters, political chaos, and societal change—all of which is continuously reported in the media—cause a lot of frustration and anger, which can deplete our inner resources and coping mechanisms.
Below are four steps to help you manage anger more effectively, reduce stress, and strengthen versus erode your relationships, health, and well-being.
Contain versus react. Instead of immediately reacting by withdrawing or lashing out, contain your anger long enough to explore what’s going on, the outcome(s) you want to have, and the response most likely to produce those results.
Identify the “trigger”. For example, did the person’s tone or words invoke feelings of being demeaned, criticized, or under attack? Did your friend showing up 20 minutes late make you feel unvalued? Are you overreacting from past experiences (from your Conditioned Self) or is your reaction related to your Authentic Self in the here and now?
Do a reality check. Say to the other person, “I’m having a strong reaction to your showing up late and not calling me. It may not have been your intention, but I interpreted this as your not respecting me or my time. I’m feeling pretty angry so I wanted to check out why you came late and didn’t call.”
Surrender your anger. Ask yourself: What kind of inner emotional state do I want to walk around in? Do I want to walk around with a junkyard inside of me—full of negative feelings like anger and resentment? Or do I want to walk around feeling good, joyful, and compassionate?
Learning how to manage anger effectively takes a conscious effort and practice. It means stepping back from yourself and looking at your anger from a place of detachment, through the lens of the neutral observer, without ego attachment or judgment. It means deciding consciously how you want to respond, instead of simply reacting and letting your anger take over.