Positive Action Produces Positive Thinking

An old acquaintance of mine recently wrote an article about positive thinking—a subject that is often misunderstood. For many years I, like many people on the personal-development path, believed that by writing down and repeating positive affirmations (positive statements about yourself or your life, written in the present tense as if they were already true), I would think more positively and the changes I sought in myself and in my life would happen automatically. I hung them up all over my house, memorized them, and repeated them out loud, sometimes as much as a hundred times a day. But it seemed like no matter how many times I said them, the changes I hoped to achieve eluded me. It would be nearly twenty years before I finally realized that while affirmations were helpful in clarifying what I wanted, positive action was required to achieve it. Positive action generates positive thinking, not the other way around. Positive action is a choice, one that can be challenging, especially for people who’ve experienced much suffering and pain in their lives—but it’s still a choice. For example, maybe you feel lonely and sad, but instead of isolating yourself, you do something positive like attend a cooking class, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or go out for a run—something that refocuses your thoughts and produces a more positive experience than sitting home alone eating cookies and feeling sorry for yourself.

Chronic negative thinking and the emotions it invokes is, like many destructive behaviors, a form of addiction. People become addicted to habitual, “gloom and doom” thoughts, as well as to the emotions they produce like fear and anger. It becomes their comfort zone—not very pleasant, but familiar. To break this addiction, you have to first understand its roots (nearly always found in your life conditioning), and consciously change your behaviors and actions to ones that create more positive results. Over time, you’ll build a string of positive experiences that solidifies a new internal reference point, and makes a positive mindset your new habitual way of thinking.

Self-Doubt is a Symptom - Not the Root Problem

I just read an article on The Huffington Post about self-doubt that compelled me to share some thoughts. While it's natural to experience moments when we feel less confident, chronic self-doubt is a symptom of the core belief: "I'm not good enough." We adopt these types of limiting beliefs in response to our family and childhood experiences, and they become rooted in the subconscious. We take them with us into adulthood and they are like viruses, infecting our feelings about ourselves, our relationships, and our lives. When we go beyond our comfort zone or attempt to do something that violates a core limiting belief such as, "I'm not good enough," the part of us that holds it gets triggered, setting off an "alarm" that we experience as fear and self-doubt. When we understand the roots of self-doubt, we then have the ability to take action to override it, versus be paralyzed by it.

Managing Fear So It Doesn’t Manage You

Fear is one of the biggest challenges people face in managing change and moving forward in their lives. If you’re living your life based on avoiding the things that you fear, you’re not free to take risks or pursue your dreams. If your energy is being expended in avoiding failure, rejection, physical harm, and emotional pain by avoiding the people, places, and situations that trigger your fears—then that energy is tied up in your vigilance to stay safe instead of in fulfilling your potential. To override fear, you first have to understand it, as well as the fight-or-flight response that’s been with us from our earliest beginnings. Through evolution, we’re hard-wired to respond to fear with intensity. For our evolutionary precursors out in the wild, the fight-or-flight response was a valuable survival mechanism. It’s not as useful when triggered by modern-day fears. In addition to inducing changes in the autonomic nervous system, cortisol, known as the “stress hormone,” is released in higher quantities than normal in response to the stress invoked by fear. Cortisol helps the system react and return to its normal state once the threat has passed. However, chronic stress causes elevated levels of cortisol, which has many adverse effects, including impaired cognitive performance, suppressed thyroid function, blood-sugar imbalances, higher blood pressure, and increased abdominal fat. In addition, chronic stress can compromise your immune system, making you more susceptible to illness. Ultimately, living with chronic states of fear and stress is unhealthy for our bodies and for our spirits.

Most of our fears are not based on our current reality. They are the product of imagined fears conjured up in our minds—the product of our own fantasies. I refer to FEAR as “Fantasized Events As Real,” because that’s precisely the process that takes place. Of course, if you’re walking alone to your car in a dark parking lot at 2 A.M., you may have every reason to experience fear. That fear is going to propel you to your car, key at the ready, as fast you can move. However, the other kind of fear—the fear that has no basis in reality—is one of the biggest things that keeps people from pursuing the life they desire. Fear of meeting new people or trying something new. Fear of success and fear of failure. Fear of leaving a job you hate, getting out of a relationship that isn’t working, or moving to a new city. Fear of defying convention. Fear of change.

Fear rears its head when people attempt to move beyond their comfort zones. Each of us has a comfort zone—a set of boundaries within which we live. These are the situations and circumstances that we know, that give us a sense of security because they represent what’s familiar. Staying within your comfort zone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re happy there. It’s just what you’re used to. Your willingness to expand your comfort zone allows you greater experiences and freedom. To move outside your comfort zone, you have to be able to manage fear. Below are four steps you can take to move beyond the shackles of fear, and create the life experiences and circumstances to which you aspire.  

• Instead of resisting it, acknowledge your fear. For example, “I’m afraid I will fail” or “I’m afraid I’ll be rejected” or “I’m afraid I won’t make enough money.”

• Identify the “gloom and doom” movie you’re running in your mind. Ask yourself, what am I imagining will happen?

• Do a reality check. Figure out if your fears have any real basis in fact. Be as methodical as you need to be.

• Replace the gloom and doom movie with one that supports your goals—focus on the movie of the future state you want to achieve.

© 2009 Lauren Mackler all rights reserved

This article also appeared on Basil & Spice.com.

Tips for Hiring the Right Coach

There are no legal requirements for becoming a life, career, or executive coach, so it’s important to interview potential coaches about their qualifications. Inquire about their training, how long they’ve been in practice, their client results, and people you can contact who have used their services. Do your due diligence to ensure they have the qualifications to provide the services you need. Below is an overview of the qualities and expertise of a good coach, which you can use when interviewing potential coaches. Effective methodology and processes. Ad-hoc and unstructured coaching are less effective than a structured program. Ask about their coaching method and processes, their strategies for helping clients clarify and achieve their goals, how much time it requires, and what their fees and payment policies are.

Expertise in psychology and human behavior. Personal-development work, life and career transitions, or meeting professional demands can take you to the edge of your comfort zone, triggering fears of failure, insecurity, or habitual, self-sabotaging behaviors. Life, career, and executive coaches with a background in psychology have the leading edge, as they can help you address your fears and self-defeating patterns at the root level, and change limiting patterns that can sabotage your success.

A supportive and comfortable environment. A good coach is compassionate, establishes trust, maintains confidentiality, and creates an environment in which you feel supported. Whether you’re doing phone or in-person coaching, notice how comfortable you are, and whether the person feels like someone you can trust.      

Exceptional problem-solving, goal setting, and organizational skills. The bigger the coach’s “tool kit”, the better able they’ll be to facilitate effective coaching sessions. Ask how they go about problem-solving and goal-setting, and notice how organized they appear to be. The more organized they are, the more ground you can cover in each session.

Fosters client accountability. Continuity, self-discipline, and follow through are critical factors for success—things that many people find difficult to develop or maintain. Find out what methods they use to help clients stay motivated, and how they get clients who’ve become discouraged or unfocused back on track.

In addition to the qualities and expertise listed above, below are added skills and expertise for specific types of coaching.

Career Coaching

Proven experience in the career transition field. This is a must-have for people making a career change or searching for a new job. Ask career coaches about their methodology for identifying a job or career that’s the best fit, and about their expertise in job sourcing, resumes and cover letters, self-marketing strategies, networking, interviewing, and salary negotiation.

Entrepreneurial and business planning skills: This is critical if you’re considering starting your own business. Find a career coach with a successful track record not only in helping clients identify a new business idea, but also in turning that idea into a business.    

A resourceful, innovative, and strategic thinker: To stand out from the competition, you have to think and do things differently than everyone else. Ask prospective career coaches for specific examples of strategies they’ve developed to help clients differentiate themselves, and how those strategies have helped clients achieve their desired results.  

Executive Coaching

Client Confidentiality: If your company is hiring an executive coach to work with you, ask how confidentiality issues will be handled. The more authentic you are the better results you’ll achieve in your coaching work. However, you need to feel confident that the coach can effectively balance honoring your confidentiality with meeting your company’s expectations for coaching results.

Business and Leadership Expertise: In addition to strategic business and leadership expertise, the best executive coaches have real-world corporate experience, giving them a deeper understanding of the complex challenges and demands of the executive role.  

Life Coaching

Expertise in psychology and human behavior: While it’s an added plus to find a career or executive coach with a background in psychology, it’s a must-have for life coaching. Without an in-depth understanding of what drives human behavior—and how to change self-defeating patterns that are often rooted in the subconscious—it’s very difficult to help clients achieve transformational and lasting change.

© 2009 Lauren Mackler all rights reserved

Life, career, and relationship coach Lauren Mackler is the author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life and host of the weekly Life Keys radio show on www.hayhouseradio.com. She is the creator of Illumineering™, a groundbreaking method integrating family systems work, psychodynamic psychology, and coaching to help people free themselves from the shackles of their life conditioning, and create the personal lives, careers, and relationships to which they aspire. Visit Lauren’s website at www.laurenmackler.com.

Mastering the art of aloneness is not about being alone.

Whether single or part of a couple, many people perceive aloneness as something to avoid rather than embrace... Imagine how life would be if we all put as much energy into developing a healthy and loving relationship with ourselves as we do in our relationships with others... Read my article on Powells Books Blog. Mastering the art of aloneness is not about being alone. It means living a life in which you feel whole and happy, and can take care of yourself emotionally and financially. It involves embracing aloneness as an opportunity to develop the self-awareness and life skills needed to live a full and gratifying life — whether you're living it alone or with someone else.

Are You Afraid to Be Alone?

In my Mastering the Art of Aloneness workshops—attended by singles and people in relationships— I ask participants what they associate with “aloneness.” I hear the same responses over and over. “Lonely.” “Unwanted.” “Afraid.” Whether single or part of a couple, many people perceive aloneness as something to avoid rather than embrace. This mindset is no surprise. From childhood we’re conditioned to view aloneness as something to pity, fear, or feel ashamed of. Parents become anxious when their children don’t have play dates. Teenagers’ self-esteem is based on how many friends they have. And, all too often, adults measure each other’s well-being by whether ... Read the entire article on Heal Your Life. 

Enter to win SOLEMATE on BookTrib’s giveaway!

Enter to win my Solemate on BookTrib's giveaway! BookTrib hosts a weekly giveaway (from Friday to Friday), which is located at the top of BookTrib (you can enter by clicking on the scrolling books). SOLEMATE will be up until Friday morning, 7/17. Click here for more information on Giveaway.

And you can also read my articles on BookTrib Blog section. Click here to read my articles.

Mastering the Art of Aloneness

Americans now spend half of their adult lives outside of marriage, and fewer than half of all households consist of married couples. These are major shifts that have been brewing for decades, yet people’s attitudes about being alone have changed remarkably little during those years. Aloneness is still associated with a variety of negative emotions. At the start of the Mastering the Art of Aloneness workshop, I ask participants what they think of when they hear the word “aloneness.” I hear the same responses over and over. “Lonely.” “Unwanted.” “Afraid.” It’s no surprise that people think of aloneness as a negative state to avoid rather than ... Read more.

The art of being single: Stop sobbing into your Chardonnay, single does not have to mean sad

More people are living alone than ever before. At the beginning of the 21st century, one-person households represented at least 30 per cent of all households in most northern European countries. Why? Not only are women marrying later, but also, given high divorce rates and the fact that women outlive men by an average of seven years, even a married adult is likely to go back to being single at some point.

Despite these numbers, attitudes to being alone have changed very little over the past 30 years. There is still a pervasive mindset that if you don't find a mate - especially by the time you're in your 30s - there must be ... Read more.

The Hidden Drivers of Infidelity

Governor Mark Sanford is a hypocritical louse; a jerk; a no-good, philandering husband. At least that seems to be the general consensus of the countless people evaluating his amorous escapades. Before I continue, let me make a couple of things clear. Do I think it’s fine for someone to break a monogamous agreement or engage in the unfaithful behavior they have admonished in others? No, although it is not uncommon human behavior. Do I think it’s okay to put one’s spouse and children in a humiliating position—and continue to do so after expressing regret over the initial hurtful behavior? No, although it does suggest the presence of mental and/or emotional imbalance.

As injurious as Mark Sanford’s behavior has been to his family, there is a fact that most people seem to be missing: It takes two people to make a good marriage, and it takes two people to make a bad one. A partnership or marriage is a culmination of the dynamics created by both of the people in the relationship.

In cases of exposed infidelity, one partner is typically seen as the “villain” (the one who cheats), while the other is perceived as the “victim” (the innocent one). Because the cheater’s injurious behavior is blatant, it’s easy to peg him or her as the bad one—the one to blame for the relationship’s downfall. But it’s never that simple. The victim always has a part in whatever caused the relationship to deteriorate, although the dysfunctional patterns they bring to the relationship are usually more subtle (and thus harder to see) than those of the villain.

Common relationship patterns of people in the victim role that can contribute to an infidelity include emotional distancing, using parental responsibilities or work to avoid connecting with their partner; withholding physical affection or sex (often a passive-aggressive expression of anger); constant complaining or blaming their partner for things that are wrong; using “humorous” or cutting sarcasm to express resentment, or denying or ignoring what's not working in the relationship. Patterns that villains often play out in relationship include being controlling, stubborn, self-righteous, or self-centered; overt expressions of anger such as yelling or throwing things; subtle or overt threats of abandonment, or entitlement (feeling like they’re the exception to the rules others have to live by). In response to their partner’s withdrawal, they often feel justified in seeking affection or meeting their sexual needs elsewhere.

I am not condoning Mark Sanford’s behavior, nor do I lack empathy for his wife, children, and family. My purpose in adding my voice to the throng of Mark Sanford commentators is simply this: We all are co-creators in every relationship we have. The interpersonal dynamics that two people share are created by the values, beliefs, behaviors, words, and intentions that both people bring into the relationship. Mark Sanford’s behavior was, indeed, injurious and hypocritical. But I think it’s important to remember that both he and his wife played a part in their marital discord, even if we don’t know what his wife’s part was. In cases of infidelity, there is always a lot more going on behind closed doors.

The Truth Behind Michael Jackson’s Death

Michael Jackson’s death isn’t really a mystery. What killed Jackson is a broken heart. In childhood, Jackson suffered relentless rehearsals, beatings, and verbal abuse that affected him throughout his life. His father, Joseph, once held Michael upside down and “pummeled him over and over with his hand, hitting him on his back and buttocks.” Joseph often slammed his sons into walls. Another time his father climbed through the bedroom window into his room screaming and donning a fright mask to teach Michael not to leave the window open at night. Not surprisingly, for years Jackson had ... Read more.

Cultivating Healthy and Supportive Relationships

Living a rich, gratifying life has a lot to do with relationships—your relationship with yourself and your relationship with others. Ann Kaiser Stearns wrote that, “The most self-loving action any of us performs in a lifetime is learning to develop…close friendships.” Engaging in caring relationships is critical to our emotional health and well-being, yet most of us never learned the life skills needed to develop them. Due to their life conditioning, not all people have what it takes to be supportive, and not all unsupportive people can be avoided—for example, sometimes you can’t escape family members ... Read_more

The Unconscious Mind and Romantic Attraction

By Lauren Mackler In The Development of Personality, Carl Jung writes that, "...it is the strength of the bond to the parents that unconsciously influences the choice of husband or wife, either positively or negatively." As my own divorce drama unfolded many years ago, it became clear to me that there were deeper issues between my husband and me than appeared on the surface. As I began to read literature which echoed Jung's premise that our choice of romantic partners is directly influenced by our past experiences with our parents or primary caretakers, I realized the tremendous influence ... Read more

Solemate Review

FirstLook Book Review: Solemate by Lauren Mackler Apr 5, 2009 By Kelly Jad'on

America has changed. 95.7 million Americans are single (43%)--many because of divorce, widowhood, or never married. More women today are living without a spouse rather than with one. (Approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce; women outlive men an average of seven years.)

In the past, it was typically considered not the norm for an adult to live alone, and be happy. Today, that attitude is changing.

Lauren Mackler knows firsthand what it's like to overcome this stereotype and become the person she was meant to be. Following a drawn out divorce in her early thirties in Europe, she flew home to the United States to restart her life as a penniless single mother. Mackler sunk into a depression and asked her own parents for help at the point of a mental breakdown. "That moment," she writes "would prove to be a major turning point ... Read_more.

The 'Other Woman'

Lifescript.com5/18/09

“For some women, this is a conscious choice,” explains life coach Lauren Mackler... “They don’t want a different relationship because they have the best of both worlds,” she says; someone in their lives, freedom and... read this article

Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life

Dreammanifesto.com3/18/09

An Interview with Lauren Mackler, author of the book: Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. 1. There are a multitude of self-help books that address many of the same topics as Solemate... read this article

The Art of Aloneness

Click here to read Lauren’s tips to master the art of aloneness in the latest Omega newsletter.

Uncover hidden barriers for outright success

Boston Herald3/1/09

But the foundation of success is the ability to activate your potential to create the personal and professional life to which you aspire... read this article

Achieving Your New Year's Resolutions

At the New Year, many people make resolutions for change. In fact, many of their resolutions are the same ones year after year! Yours may be to increase your income, expand your circle of friends, or find a more exciting and fulfilling career. But the foundation of achieving any type of goal is the ability to activate your potential to create the results you seek. In my coaching practice, workshops, and trainings, I often refer to the life conditioning process, and the core beliefs and habitual behaviors we develop in response to the environment we grew up in. Although rooted in the unconscious and hidden from most people, our core beliefs drive our everyday behaviors. And while these beliefs and behaviors allowed us to adapt to and function within our families growing up, they often negate our adult lives. So identifying and shedding these core limiting beliefs and behaviors is a critical key to success.

To help you understand how your own core limiting beliefs and habitual behaviors may be sabotaging your success, I’m going to present three examples of self-defeating behavior patterns I often see in my coaching practice.

The first behavior pattern is avoidance.  If you grew up in a family in which you were often criticized, you might hold a core limiting belief of I’m not good enough. Your habitual behavior might be to keep quiet—staying under the radar screen to avoid being judged. While that behavior may have helped you avoid criticism growing up, it sabotages your success as an adult. You may avoid speaking up in meetings or asking for a raise. Or you might settle for a job beneath your abilities to avoid making mistakes and being judged.

The second pattern is controlling. Do you tend to be dominating and confrontational, getting angry when you don’t get your way? Controlling behavior is usually driven by the core limiting belief that I am powerless and have no control. You may have had a controlling parent, or experienced a difficult event beyond your control such as a disruptive parental divorce. This pattern is very destructive. Controllers can have difficulty holding jobs, get passed over for promotions, alienate people, and waste a lot of energy in conflict with others.

The third pattern is approval-seeking. Do you continually put other people’s needs before your own—never saying no for fear of others’ disapproval? If you grew up in a family in which you were loved or accepted only if you did what was expected—if love was conditional—you may hold the core belief that if I meet others’ needs I’ll be loved and accepted. Approval-seekers often experience work overload, and feel unappreciated by and resentful of others.

The first step in overcoming these hidden barriers to achieving your goals involves recognizing what they are. Without judging yourself, observe how you behave in your life. When you start to recognize your behavior patterns, dig down to identify the core beliefs that drive them. Once you’ve identified your self-defeating patterns, develop and start activating the new beliefs and behaviors that support you in achieving the goals to which you aspire.

If you’re ready to achieve your New Year’s resolutions visit www.laurenmackler.com to find out how Lauren’s life, career, and executive coaching programs, workshops, and trainings can help you bring your goals to reality!

Coaching 101

When I started my coaching business in 2001, most people associated the word "coach" with someone who led an athletic team or worked as an exercise trainer. Today, while most people have heard of a life, executive, or career coach, there remains much confusion about what coaching is, how it differs from psychotherapy, and the circumstances in which coaching can be a valuable resource.

What is Coaching?

Coaching is for people who want to improve their personal and/or professional lives, or achieve specific goals such as making a career change, improving business results, creating healthier relationships, or gaining greater self-mastery. Although there are no legal requirements for becoming a coach, the necessary skills are similar to those of a psychotherapist, with additional competencies determined by the specific type of coaching. However, coaching differs from therapy in that it generally focuses more on the present and future than on the past, and is typically more focused on specific goals and results. Below is a list of the most common types of coaching, and the indicators for each type:

Career Coaching: for people in professional transition or who are looking to use their passions, skills, and experience to create a more fulfilling and rewarding career.

Executive Coaching: for business professionals seeking to enhance their leadership skills, accomplish specific business goals, or address performance issues and challenges.

Life Coaching: for individuals seeking to master specific life challenges, or move to the next level of success in one or more areas of their personal and/or professional lives.

Relationship Coaching: for individuals, couples, family members, business partners, or co-workers seeking to clarify the attributes of their ideal relationship(s), assess relationship strengths, identify and resolve points of interpersonal conflict, and bring their ideal personal and professional relationship(s) to reality.

Choosing a Coach

When choosing a coach, it's important to inquire about the coach's training, credentials, and methodology. When you're interviewing a prospective coach, here are some questions you can ask:

Qualifications: What are your credentials? What is your training and professional background? Check to be sure the person has the training, background, and expertise needed to facilitate the specific type of coaching you're seeking.

Experience: How long have you been in practice? What's the primary focus of your work? What is your experience and success in working with the types of issues and/or goals I want to address? Do you have some clients I can speak to, who can tell me about the results of their coaching work? Approach: What's your approach or methodology? What does the process involve and how much time does it typically take? Practical Information: How long does each session last? How frequently do we meet? What are your charges and payment policies?

Most importantly, you're looking for someone who is supportive, compassionate, and non-judgmental. During your interview, look for someone who is 100 percent present, and focused on you and your objectives. Red flags include brusqueness, inflexibility, and a sense of distance. This must be someone you can trust fully. Ask yourself: Do I feel at ease with this person? Will I feel free to disclose personal information? Is this someone who is engaging with me in a caring and supportive way? If not, don't hesitate to find someone else.