In honor of Mother’s Day, below is a reprint of my article from May, 2020.

Tomorrow will be my sixteenth motherless Mother’s Day. And while it had gotten easier over time, the absence of my mother feels now like a wound opened anew. Exacerbating these feelings are the demise of my fourteen-year-old dog seven weeks ago, day seventy of coronavirus social distancing, and the loss of intimate family relationships—all in the midst of an unprecedented transfiguration of life as we knew it.

With both parents gone, I currently reside full-time on the other side of the parent-child equation. Among other things, this includes my being on the receiving end of behaviors I once directed toward my own parents. As a family-systems-trained psychotherapist and coach, I have seen these types of multi-generational pattern replications frequently in my practice, as well as being an active participant of their playing out in my personal life.

Cheaters and philanderers are jerks; people who are no-good, contemptible human beings. At least that seems to be the general consensus of many people who judge others’ amorous infidelities.

Before I continue, let me make a couple of things clear. Do I think it’s fine for someone to break a monogamous agreement or engage in unfaithful behavior? No, although it is certainly not uncommon. Do I think it’s okay to put one’s spouse and children in a painful position—and perhaps even continue to do so after expressing regret over an infidelity? No, cheating on a partner not only doesn’t solve someone’s problems, it is deeply injurious and erodes the foundation of trust—which can take years to rebuild, if at all.

For many people, midlife can be a significant wake-up call. The midlife transition can begin as early as the age of 30 and as late as 60. Midlife is a time when many people find themselves stepping back and evaluating how they want to live for the rest of their lives. They’ve had the chance to build a life and reap the rewards of their endeavors. As they look toward the second half of their lives, they may find themselves asking: Who am I? What’s the meaning of my life? What do I really want?

I had an interaction this morning that inspired this month’s Live Boldly article. I offered a vendor with whom I regularly do business some unsolicited, but well-intentioned advice. Having recently slipped on black ice and severely breaking my arm, I cautioned them about walking on ice without boot grippers for protection.

Now granted, I’ve become somewhat obsessed with the advocacy of snow grippers since my accident, but the person’s response was shocking and upsetting. In short, the person “bit my head off” with an intensity that triggered a physiological, nervous system response. Despite my shakiness and increased heart rate, I responded resourcefully by apologizing and sharing that I wanted them to remain safe on the ice.

As I got back in my car and was driving home alone, an inner battle began. I noticed two parts of me that were invoked by the interaction. One was the reactive, child part that long ago learned to override hurt feelings with anger. The other was the mindful, adult part that sought to understand what happened, and bring my nervous system back into balance.

Do you avoid expressing yourself from fear of disapproval, rejection, or conflict? If so, you’re not alone.

In my Illumineering Coaching practice, I work with high-functioning, successful people doing interesting things in the world. And yet, the majority of them were conditioned to believe that saying no, setting boundaries, or sharing real feelings and needs will threaten or even extinguish relationships.

Most grown-ups are children in adult bodies. They may have lived 20, 50, or 80 years but the thought, behavioral, and emotional patterns habituated in childhood continue to run their lives.

When we’re born as healthy human beings, we have the innate ability to experience the complete range of human emotions and to express ourselves fully and spontaneously. Absent is the fear of judgment or rejection, or feelings of unworthiness or shame. Then the life conditioning process begins. Our interactions with our caretakers and environment determine how we think about ourselves and others, and the behaviors that are most likely to get our needs met. As dependent little beings, our very survival relies on our adaptation to the overt and covert norms of the family system into which we are born. These patterns of thought, behavior, and emotion are continually reinforced and become habit, developing into what I call the default operating system.