I had an interaction this morning that inspired this month’s Live Boldly article. I offered a vendor with whom I regularly do business some unsolicited, but well-intentioned advice. Having recently slipped on black ice and severely breaking my arm, I cautioned them about walking on ice without boot grippers for protection.
Now granted, I’ve become somewhat obsessed with the advocacy of snow grippers since my accident, but the person’s response was shocking and upsetting. In short, the person “bit my head off” with an intensity that triggered a physiological, nervous system response. Despite my shakiness and increased heart rate, I responded resourcefully by apologizing and sharing that I wanted them to remain safe on the ice.
As I got back in my car and was driving home alone, an inner battle began. I noticed two parts of me that were invoked by the interaction. One was the reactive, child part that long ago learned to override hurt feelings with anger. The other was the mindful, adult part that sought to understand what happened, and bring my nervous system back into balance.
I observed the presence of old, childhood feelings of being misunderstood, misjudged, and unjustly treated. Those feelings fed the angry part, the latter of whom called the person some not-so-very-nice names in my head. Those feelings and the resulting inner name-calling exacerbated the upset in my nervous system. I knew that to feel better, I needed to effectively respond to and gain control of the angry part. Below is the strategy I have taught to clients, which I used this morning to shift from a reactive and stressful inner state to one of greater calm, resourcefulness, and emotional and physiological balance.
1) Conduct an inner “reality check”: In my mind and from the place of “the observer”, I replayed the interaction to assess if my behavior was inappropriate or in any way commensurate with the other person’s reaction. This requires honest self-assessment, and when appropriate (when we have actually behaved unresourcefully), a willingness to be accountable, and own and apologize for our behavior. (One caveat here is that even when you genuinely apologize and take responsibility for a misstep, not everyone has the ability to process with you to resolve the conflict, or to forgive you and move forward.)
In situations where you assess that the other person’s reaction is reflective of their own issues (versus anything you did to warrant their reactive behavior), or if they are unable to accept your apology and move forward, the focus then shifts to managing your own upset and regaining inner balance.
2) Use empathy to gain perspective: I reminded myself that when someone’s fuse is so surprisingly short, it’s more often than not because of a previous stressor that has nothing to do with us. I put myself in the vendor’s shoes (the act of empathy) to try to tune in to what stressors might be happening in their life. I knew that the person had been working very hard, was overloaded with clients, and I had noticed from the beginning of my interactions with them (and in observing their communication with others) that the vendor’s normal interpersonal style was more on the blunt side in general.
3) Practice compassion: instead of focusing on my anger (which creates separation), I gave myself the reminder that we are all wounded to some degree, and carry with us triggers that can be activated at any time. We are all human, flawed, and, at times, we all behave badly (what I like to refer to with the kinder and more gentle word, “unresourcefully”). Unless it’s a situation of repeated abuse, it’s important to give people space to be human.
4) Identify the lesson and clarify boundaries: Practicing compassion doesn’t mean a failure to course-correct future behavior and boundaries. In this morning’s instance, the lessons for me are not to offer that person unsolicited advice and to be more mindful in my communication with them. The adjusted boundary is to keep things limited to the professional realm.
The result of my adult, mindful part winning the battle over my reactive, inner child part is a greater sense of inner peace, emotional detachment (in the sense of not being run by reactive and stressful emotions), and the preservation of an important professional relationship. Just writing this, which required actually doing the steps in real-time, has shifted my nervous system and internal environment from an agitated state to one of relaxation and calm.
Are the steps to achieving emotional detachment easy? Absolutely not, especially for folks who are more feeling-oriented than thinking-oriented by their innate nature. But just like working out builds physical muscles, practicing these four steps in each instance of upsetting conflict and emotional reactivity, will build your interpersonal and conflict management muscles.
Old reactions and feelings can get triggered—especially in times of stress. But the steps I put into action today really do work, helping us to cultivate an inner “garden”, versus walking around in an emotional “junkyard.”