Cheaters and philanderers are jerks; people who are no-good, contemptible human beings. At least that seems to be the general consensus of many people who judge others’ amorous infidelities.
Before I continue, let me make a couple of things clear. Do I think it’s fine for someone to break a monogamous agreement or engage in unfaithful behavior? No, although it is certainly not uncommon. Do I think it’s okay to put one’s spouse and children in a painful position—and perhaps even continue to do so after expressing regret over an infidelity? No, cheating on a partner not only doesn’t solve someone’s problems, it is deeply injurious and erodes the foundation of trust—which can take years to rebuild, if at all.
As painful as infidelity is, there is a fact that most people overlook, including many marriage therapists. It takes two people to make a good marriage, and it takes two people to make a bad one. A partnership or marriage is a culmination of the dynamics created by both people in the relationship.
In cases of exposed infidelity, one partner is typically seen as the “villain” (the one who cheats), while the other is perceived as the “victim” (the innocent one). Because the cheater’s injurious behavior is overt, it’s easy to peg him or her as the bad one—the one to blame for the relationship’s downfall. But it’s never that simple. The victim always has a part in whatever caused the relationship to deteriorate, although the dysfunctional patterns they bring to the relationship are usually subtler (and thus harder to see) than those of the villain.
Common relationship patterns of people in the victim role that can contribute to an infidelity include emotional distancing, using parental responsibilities or work to avoid connecting with their partner; withholding physical affection or sex (often a passive-aggressive expression of anger); constant complaining or blaming their partner for things that are wrong; using “humorous” or cutting sarcasm to express resentment, or denying or ignoring what’s not working in the relationship.
Patterns that villains often play out include being controlling, stubborn, self-righteous, or self-centered; overt expressions of anger such as yelling or throwing things; subtle or overt threats of abandonment, or entitlement (feeling like they’re the exception to the rules others have to live by). In response to their partner’s withdrawal, they often feel justified in seeking affection or meeting their sexual needs elsewhere.
Over the course of my twenty-plus years in my therapeutic coaching practice, I have worked with many couples, some of whom came to me in crisis following the exposure of infidelity. Instead of making the cheater the “bad” one, or immediately focusing on the fallout of the infidelity (erosion of trust and feelings of anger and sadness), we start with assessing what, if anything, was working well in the relationship, and then identifying the overt and covert issues that had deteriorated the relationship over time. This work provides greater understanding of what was going on individually and as a couple prior to the infidelity, and lays the foundation for managing the immediate crisis, and the longer-term work of repair and transformation from unconscious relationship to conscious partnership.
We all are co-creators in every relationship we have. The interpersonal dynamics that two people share are created by the values, beliefs, behaviors, words, and intentions that both people bring into the partnership. While infidelity is indeed very injurious, it’s important to remember that both partners have a role in the deterioration of the relationship. As in all human dysfunction and dynamics, in situations of infidelity, there is always a lot more going on beneath the surface than meets the eye.