As children, we increasingly see the world through a lens shaped by our caregivers, role models, environment, and experiences. This lens influences our interpretations of what happens to and around us. Over time, these interpretations become habitual stories scripted by the unconscious mind about ourselves and the world around us. And although they're rooted in the unconscious—and most people aren't even aware they exist—they have a powerful impact on our lives. They drive our emotions, behaviors, and choices, which cumulatively, result in the lives we have today.
While I have changed details for privacy reasons, let me give you an example of this dynamic in one of my clients.
Theo was a 48 year-old man who had grown up with a violent, alcoholic father. He had a sister born several years after him. As the first child and only son, Theo was the target of his father's constant verbal abuse, drunken fits of rage, and physical attacks. Theo's mother was an executive in the healthcare industry. She resumed her career when Theo entered first grade and often traveled for work. A housekeeper minded the children for a few hours after school, until their father came home.
Theo's father would start drinking during dinner, and as the number of drinks increased, so did his abusive behavior. This scenario was common, even when Theo's mother was home. His mother, who avoided conflict whenever possible, turned a blind eye to her husband's alcoholism and behavior toward Theo. Rather than protect him, she urged Theo to try harder not to upset his father, inferring that Theo was responsible for his father's anger and behavior.
As a result of these experiences, Theo had grown up with frequent feelings of insecurity and anxiety, and had great difficulty trusting others. With family and friends, he perceived even benign or helpful input as criticism, and would react in defensiveness or with a counter-attack. With strangers and acquaintances, Theo vigilantly avoided conflict, and hid his feelings behind a self-protective veneer of aloofness that was often perceived by others as arrogant or intimidating.
The story his unconscious mind had scripted as a young boy—which Theo was still running in his adult life—was that people were hurtful and untrustworthy, he needed to be on guard in every moment to handle their inevitable betrayal, and he must withhold his true thoughts and feelings from others to avoid criticism, rejection, and abandonment.
While the unconscious part of us believes these self-protective behaviors will keep us safe from earlier pain, trauma, or unpleasantness, they often have the opposite effect. Acquaintances tended to react to Theo's aloofness and arrogance by keeping a distance, and his family and friends "walked on eggshells" around him to avoid his emotional unpredictability and reactivity. Theo had a trail of broken romantic relationships and friendships, common for people made to feel unlovable as children.
Theo's experiences are not unique. The mind is a powerful thing. Whatever we tell ourselves drives our behaviors and choices, which then create our experiences and circumstances. Your story created the life you have today. But if you're dissatisfied with the results you're getting, you can change the story.
How do you change it? First, you need to become aware of the narrative scripted in childhood that still drives your emotions, behaviors, and choices, and updating it to one that's more accurate in your adult life, and will promote healthier emotions, behaviors, and experiences. Below are some exercises to help you get started.
1.) What narrative do I run about myself? What reactive emotions and self-protective behaviors does it trigger?
What narrative do I run about others? What reactive emotions and self-protective behaviors does it trigger?
Is this narrative really true about me, or true about me all of the time? What are examples of times when this has not been true about me? Use the latter information to script a new, self-supportive story.
Is this narrative really true about others, or true about others all of the time? What are examples of times when this has not been true about others? Use the latter information to script a new, self-supportive story.
2.) Once you've updated your story about yourself and others, think about the experiences and circumstances you want to have. What behaviors and choices are likely to produce those outcomes? Be as specific and concrete as possible.
3.) Once you've completed steps one and two, next is to develop a practice of mindfulness and self-discipline. Mindfulness means observing yourself in each moment so you can notice when you slip back into running your old story. Practicing self-discipline means re-directing the mind every time by replacing the old, self-defeating story with the updated, self-supporting one. Since words are even more powerful when spoken, I suggest saying the new story out loud when you're alone.
Along with developing the habit of replacing the old story with the new one, self-discipline also means choosing the behaviors most likely to produce the outcomes you want. I call this living deliberately versus by default (for more information and practical tools on living deliberately, see Chapter 5 in my book, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life).
It will take time for your new story to take hold and become your new reality. It requires constant vigilance, action, patience, and compassion for yourself and others. But the emotional freedom, healing, and joy this inner work can foster within you and in your relationships is a game-changer that is well-worth the effort.