Wall Street Journal Interview

Lauren was recently interviewed by the Wall Street Journal about how being alone can turn into an experience of loneliness. To read the article, click here.

Become Who You Already Are

Each of us comes into this world as a whole, integrated human being. We’re born with innate personality traits, natural strengths and talents, and tremendous potential. Growing up, we respond to our life conditioning by adopting habitual roles, beliefs, and behaviors that often diminish our potential. These patterns follow us into adulthood, and they shape our feelings about ourselves, our personal lives, our relationships, and our careers.

A foundational element of my work is to help people uncover the patterns that keep a lid on their potential, identify the roots of these patterns, and take action to transform them. This involves identifying the innate personality traits, strengths, and potential of their Authentic Self (the person they were born to be) and the limiting role, beliefs, and behaviors of their Conditioned Self (the person they learned to be).

The next step is to develop strategies for change. This entails learning how to think and act by conscious deliberation versus by automatic default. Living by deliberation means intentionally aligning your thoughts, behaviors, and choices with the outcomes you’re trying to achieve. When you’re living by default, you’re reacting on autopilot from old, conditioned patterns. And while those patterns may have served you in your environment growing up, they’re usually not very effective in producing the results you want as an adult.

Letting your Conditioned Self run your life is like continuously swimming upstream. It depletes your energy, stifles your strengths, keeps you settling for less than what you’re capable of creating, and undermines your relationships with others. Over time, the chronic stress it produces can even weaken your immune system and compromise your physical health and well-being.

Shedding the shackles of your life conditioning and liberating who you really are is a life-changing process. Instead of your energy being consumed by trying to be perfect, berating yourself, living up to other’s expectations, avoiding failure, dealing with conflict, numbing your pain, or managing fear, it’s available to let you discover what you enjoy, take new risks, pursue your dreams, share positive relationships, and create the personal and professional life to which you aspire.

This type of inner work—delving into the roots of your limiting patterns and taking action to produce tangible, lasting change—can be challenging, uncomfortable, and even painful. But the years that I’ve been doing this work—and the transformative results I’ve seen over and over again—has taught me two very important things: the only way out is through and the rewards are well-worth the journey.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2013 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach and author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. www.laurenmackler.com

The Art of Aloneness at Esalen

SOLEMATE: MASTERING THE ART OF ALONENESS April 12–14, 2013 Friday–Sunday

Weekend Workshop at Esalen in Big Sur, CA

With Lauren Mackler

“Solemate…is learning to be present with yourself—to know yourself intimately and deeply—is necessary for an authentic relationship of any kind.” -Joan Borysenko, Author of “Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive”

Each of us comes into the world as a whole human being with tremendous potential. Growing up, we adopt habitual thought and behavior patterns, many of which erode our innate wholeness. We carry these patterns into adulthood, and they shape our feelings about ourselves, our relationships, our personal lives, and our careers. Mastering the Art of Aloneness is designed to help you break free of the shackles of your life conditioning, reclaim your innate wholeness, and become who you were born to be. Created by Lauren Mackler, bestselling author of Solemate, this experiential workshop provides practical tools to help you:

*Move beyond fear and transform limiting beliefs and behaviors

*Reclaim your innate wholeness

*Build a loving relationship with yourself

*Design your Life Vision and the steps to achieve it

This workshop is designed for people who are single, divorced, or in a partnership, and who aspire to a greater sense of wholeness, self-mastery, and well-being in their relationship with themselves and with others.

Lauren Mackler is a renowned coach and teacher whose first book, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life, became an instant international best-seller. Creator of the Illumineering Coaching method, she has inspired people across the globe to transform their lives. Lauren brings her wisdom and workshops to audiences throughout the world, and her work has been covered widely in the media, including CNN, Fox, NPR, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Whole Living, Real Simple, and many other media. www.laurenmackler.com

For more information and registration, click here!

Liberating Your Authentic Self

Carl Jung, a colleague of Sigmund Freud and the founder of analytical psychology, first introduced the concept of psychological type in the 1920s with the idea that there are two basic attitude types—extroverts and introverts—and what he called the four functions of consciousness: thinking, feeling, sensing, and intuiting. Jung was the first to fully develop the idea that different people have different ways of perceiving and approaching the world, and that these differences are innate. For example, one person may use thought as a guide to making decisions, while another will follow their feelings. By identifying different psychological types, Jung laid the foundation for our modern-day understanding of personality.

Like Jung, I believe that we all have innate personality traits and temperaments. Most parents will tell you that they can identify traits in their own children from birth—distinct temperaments and predispositions. Some toddlers, for example, are quiet and still, hanging back, observing everything around them. Others jump into the fray feet first, full of energy and enthusiasm. However, research on twins reared apart, conducted over the past 30 years at the Minnesota Center for Twin and Family Research (University of Minnesota) by professor Thomas J. Bouchard, Jr. and his team, provides perhaps the most powerful evidence of innate personalities. In research originally published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 1988 and discussed at length in a New Yorker piece published in 1995, the Minnesota team assessed twin pairs for personality characteristics such as a “sense of well-being, social dominance, alienation, aggression, and achievement . . . They concluded that identical twins reared apart were as much alike as identicals reared together.” The Minnesota twin studies, combined with a slew of other studies conducted over the past two decades, provide ample evidence that we are born with certain personality characteristics.

Part of retrieving your authentic self involves identifying your innate personality traits, the characteristics you were born with that may have been suppressed through your life conditioning. For example, you may be more innately extroverted—more outwardly than inwardly directed. But say you grew up with a father who was an alcoholic and he’d fly into rages when he was drinking. Your coping mechanism may have involved staying below the radar screen and not making a peep. You withdrew from the world, a characteristic that’s in conflict with your true nature. In my coaching work, as part of the process of identifying clients’ innate personality characteristics, I use the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), a popular personality test developed by Katharine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers in the 1940s based on Carl Jung’s theories. Since its inception, millions of people have taken the MBTI assessment, and it’s been updated and refined through ongoing research. The results are remarkably comprehensive and illuminating. But while the MBTI tool is valuable for helping people understand their innate natures, it is only one piece of the puzzle.

Unearthing your authentic self also involves identifying your true passions and strengths, as well as your interests and life purpose. I believe that we all have an inborn purpose, and fulfilling that purpose is critical to the quality of our lives and our sense of well-being. To be able to live from your authentic self you have to first know who you really are. What do you feel strongly about? What captures your interest? What inspires and motivates you? What is the contribution you’d like to be making in the world?

The process of retrieving and liberating the authentic self involves a good bit of detective work. Each of us is unique, and the formula for finding that uniqueness can be as individual as we are. But achieving that understanding can be transformational. As D. H. Lawrence wrote, “You’ve got to know yourself so that you can at last be yourself.”

Are you ready to liberate who you were born to be? Join Lauren 3/15-17, 2013 at Kripalu in Lenox, MA for the LIVE BOLDLY & LIBERATE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF weekend workshop! For info and registration, click here.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2013 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, psychotherapist, and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Live Boldly! - Santa Monica, CA 1/3/13

Live Boldly & Liberate Your Authentic Self! What would you do if you knew you could not fail—if you were free from the fears, limiting beliefs, and habitual behaviors that keep you stuck? In this life-changing, FREE presentation, coach and international bestselling author of Solemate, Lauren Mackler, uncovers the hidden drivers that keep people from living the lives to which they aspire. Participants learn about the "potential blockers" that hold people captive in unfulfilling personal lives, careers, and relationships, and practical tools for moving through these blocks to liberate their potential and become the person they were born to be. The event is free, but seating is limited on a first-come basis.

January 3, 2013, 7:00 pm-8:00 pm Santa Monica Library 2601 Main Street Santa Monica, CA

To pre-register, send an email to info@laurenmackler.com.

12/11/12 Live Chat with Wall Street Journal

Join me and Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein for a live online chat about dysfunctional family dynamics & coping strategies at 11:30 a.m. today. To submit your questions now, click here.

Cultivate Healthy Relationships

Nourish relationships with people who are supportive, and avoid those which are detrimental to you.--Lauren Mackler Find out how in my Huffington Post article. To read, click here.

From Intention to Action

"Many people don’t achieve their life vision because they fail to move from intention into action."—Lauren Mackler If you're ready to move into action, click here!

Minimize Stress and Maximize Life!

Knowing how stress can affect people's physical health and emotional well-being, I am thrilled to support my friend Kristen Brown's new book, The Happy Hour Effect: 12 Secrets to Minimize Stress and Maximize Life. Chock full of practical tools from Kristen, myself, and other contributing authors, the book is a great resource for managing stress in all areas of your life. Order it today and you'll receive $1000 in free bonus gifts! To order, click here.

6 Steps to Develop Your Intuition

Are your emotions or intuition running your life? Your intuition is your instinctive knowing—or gut feeling—about whether or not something is right for you. Intuition and emotions are very different. Your emotions can fluctuate, often changing from one day to the next based on immediate circumstances. Your intuitive feeling about something, on the other hand, tends to remain pretty consistent.

If you’re making a major decision—especially one that takes you out of your comfort zone—it’s important to feel confident that it’s the right one. So you’ll want to check in with your intuition over a period of time—over days or weeks or even months—to see how that decision sits with you.

To develop your intuition, you have to start paying attention to it. As situations arise that require making a decision, ask yourself: How does this feel for me? Is this what I should be doing? How does this sit with me? Is this an emotional reaction? Or is this something that’s going to stick?

If you’re evaluating a relationship, ask your intuition: How does this person sit with me? What’s my gut feeling? Use it in the work you do. Use it in your everyday life. You can tap into your intuition in a variety of ways. People who believe in a higher power often turn to prayer for inner guidance. Others use meditation to invoke the intuitive part of themselves. The key is to begin trusting that your intuition is trustworthy and able to guide you.

Listening to and following your intuition is a practical tool for living in alignment with your authentic self. Below is an exercise to help you develop your intuition as a practical barometer for determining whether you’re on course or off course in your life.

1. Write down a real-life example of a time when you had a “gut feeling” about a person, situation, or action that you discounted or ignored, and, by ignoring your intuition, produced a negative outcome.

2. Describe the “gut feeling” you had at the time. For example, it may have been a physical sensation like butterflies in your stomach, breaking out in a sweat, or constriction in your chest; a feeling of dread, fear, or uncertainty; a sense of caution, reluctance, or resistance; or just a strong sense about something you should or shouldn’t do.

3. List the negative outcome(s) you experienced by not following your intuitive messages and signals.

4. Now, write down a real-life example of a time when you had a “gut feeling” about a person, situation, or action that you acted upon, and, by acting on your intuition, produced a positive outcome.

5. Describe the “gut feeling” that you had at the time. For example, it may have been a physical sensation like butterflies in your stomach, breaking out in a sweat, or constriction in your chest; a feeling of dread, fear, or uncertainty; a sense of caution, reluctance, or resistance; or just a strong sense about something you should or shouldn’t do.

6. Describe the positive outcome(s) you experienced by following your intuitive messages and signals.

Over time, you’ll find that the more you trust your intuition and allow it to set your direction, the more you build that trust. Develop a habit of continually checking in with your intuition by asking yourself: Does this feel right to me?

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2012 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, psychotherapist, and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Life Keys Radio: Honoring Your Intuition

Your intuition is a valuable tool for living in alignment with your authentic self. While some people are naturally more intuitive than others, we all have the capacity to develop intuition. In this Life Keys Radio episode, Lauren and her guest Sonia Choquette discussed how to develop your intuition and use it as a barometer in your daily life. To listen, click on the link below. Honoring Your Intuition

Life Keys Radio: The Art of Compassion

Many people walk around with an internal “junk yard” of anger and self-righteousness that contaminates their relationship with themselves, and their relationships with others. Tune in to this Life Keys Radio episode to hear Lauren and her guest Sharon Salzberg talk about how to replace the shackles of anger and resentment with the freedom and joy of living a compassionate life. To listen, click on Life Keys Radio Show.

Death with Dignity

Watching a loved one die without dignity is devastating. Sadly, both of my parents experienced prolonged, painful, and what I considered to be, unnecessarily inhumane deaths. Twelve years ago I attempted to discuss end-of-life planning with my mother and father. Because I believe that death is simply a transition to another plane of existence, I tend to approach the topic in a rather direct and practical way, as was the case with my parents back in 2000. I suggested that they do end-of-life planning in advance, to ensure clarity about their wishes and to avoid any potential family conflict. But because neither of my parents were able to discuss or plan for death, at the end they were each kept alive by artificial means and suffered heart-wrenching deaths.

Following emergency surgery for a ruptured intestine, my 90 year-old father languished on a hospital respirator for more than a month. During this time, I happened upon a documentary on HBO called How to Die in Oregon. The film is about the Death with Dignity laws in Oregon and Washington, which allow mentally competent, terminally-ill adults to voluntarily request and receive a prescription medication to hasten their death. How to Die in Oregon doesn't tell people how they should die, but it shows how having more options for end-of-life care gives people more peace of mind in their final days.

I had always felt conflicted about physician-assisted suicide. But after watching the How to Die in Oregon documentary, I became convinced that Death with Dignity should be a legal option for any adult facing terminal illness. On November 6, 2012, the Death with Dignity Initiative (also known as Question 2) will appear on the general election ballot in my home state of Massachusetts. The proposed law would allow for a terminally ill adult with six or fewer months to live to be given lethal drugs. The patient requesting the medication must be mentally capable to make medical decisions while consulting their respective doctors. Patients would be required to submit their request orally twice and witnessed in writing, and the initial verbal request must be fifteen days prior to the written request and second oral request. The patient's terminal diagnosis and capability to make health care decisions must be confirmed by a second doctor.

Supporters of the proposed law argue that the measure would give terminally ill patients dignity and control over their deaths, and would alleviate suffering. Opponents argue that the measure is morally wrong, and that beneficiaries of terminally ill patients could abuse the provisions presented by the proposal. In early October, YouGov America interviewed 498 registered voters in Massachusetts for a poll released by the University of Massachusetts. The survey found 65% of the registered voters would vote yes on the Death with Dignity initiative.

Having witnessed the heartbreaking suffering of both of my parents, I feel strongly that I’d want the legal option to utilize the Death with Dignity Act should I ever be faced with a terminal illness. Rather than incur prolonged suffering or be a burden to my family, I would prefer to have a “good death”—have the time and ability to say goodbye to my loved ones, be able to leave when it’s time to go, and not have my life unnecessarily prolonged.

© 2012 Lauren Mackler

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2012 Lauren Mackler Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, psychotherapist, and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

Celebrate Your Self!

Flowers and chocolate are just lovely on Valentine’s Day if you have a Valentine. If you don't, it can be just down right depressing. Lauren Mackler, coach, psychotherapist & best-selling author of "Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life," was recently interviewed on FOX about Valentine's Day as an opportunity to celebrate your relationship with your self.

Alone This Valentine's Day?

If you're going to be alone on Valentine's Day, catch my television interview tomorrow, 2/10, on FOX at 9:45am for some great celebration tips!

WANT GREATER WHOLENESS?

SOLEMATE WEEKEND WORKSHOP!3/16-18, 2012 at Kripalu Lenox, MA

Are you ready to gain mastery over your own life? Many people spend years waiting for a “soul mate” to make them feel complete. Others settle for difficult or unfulfilling or relationships out of fear of being alone. Instead of depending on someone else to make you whole, this workshop takes you on a life-changing journey to greater self-mastery, empowerment, and well-being—whether you’re living your life on your own or in a relationship. For more info or to register, click here.

The Art of Resilience

Do you sweat the small stuff or feel chronically stressed? If so, you’re not alone. According to a 2008 national survey by the American Psychological Association (APA), 77 percent of Americans reported having physical symptoms due to stress, and 73 percent claimed to be experiencing stress-related psychological problems.   Stress is an emotional and physical reaction caused by our responses to life challenges. There is no universally accepted definition of stress and each person reacts differently, based on their innate personality traits, early conditioning, and life experiences. What is overwhelming for one person may be exciting to another, while that same situation may have little impact on someone else.

In small amounts, stress can be a positive impetus. It can inspire productivity and motivate you to complete your goals. But chronic stress can have many adverse effects, including irritability, depression, headaches, gastrointestinal problems, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, depletion of the immune system, and even life-threatening illness.

The best antidote to stress is resilience. Resilience means having the ability to respond to change or adversity proactively and resourcefully. It involves a process of consciously drawing on the beliefs, behaviors, and skills that can help you respond to challenges effectively, and move beyond them as a stronger person.

Findings from the Kauai Longitudinal Study showed that resilient people did not passively react to negative life circumstances, but proactively took action to achieve positive outcomes. Instead of staying stuck in feelings of anger, fear, or anxiety, step back and ask yourself, “What reaction am I having, how do I want to respond, and what outcomes do I want?” Next, brainstorm possible courses of action, determine those most likely to produce desired outcomes, prioritize your action steps, then move into action.   

Below are some additional tips to develop greater resilience and to help you manage stress.    Reframe change from a threat to a natural part of life. Instead of resisting change, embrace it as a natural progression of life. Every time you find yourself holding on to what was, say to yourself, “I release the past, cooperate fully with today, and enthusiastically embrace tomorrow.” The foundation of resilience is accepting change as an inevitable part of life. Fighting it not only produces frustration, but it keeps you from taking action and moving forward. 

Identify the opportunities inherent in the challenge. There is much truth in the old adage of what does not kill us makes us stronger. To help you turn a stressor into an opportunity, write down the specific situation causing you to feel stressed. For example, “I’m worried I’m going to lose my job.” Next, write down how you can turn your concern into an opportunity. For example, you could get your resume updated and start networking to find that fulfilling job you’ve been dreaming about for the last two years.        

Develop greater awareness and self-mastery. The more awareness and self-mastery you have, the greater your resilience. Personal development has many benefits, one of which is gaining greater clarity about your reactive patterns and how they may be negatively impacting your life. Finding good resources to change habitual, limiting patterns will not only transform your life, but it will provide you with effective life skills to draw upon in difficult times.

Build a strong inner support system. Despite the deluge of information about the link between diet and health, most people don’t actively embrace that they are what they eat. Your body runs on fuel in the form of food, and if the fuel you put in your body is not healthy, you can’t expect your body to produce optimal wellness. A diet low in nutrients can deplete your reserves of vitamins and minerals, making it even more difficult to manage stress. Reduce or eliminate caffeine, sugar, and alcohol, and replace fatty meats and processed foods with fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, lean meat and fish, nuts, seeds, and legumes. 

Change is part of the human condition and no one is exempt from emotional pain and adversity. Developing resilience is a critical key to not only accepting and meeting a life challenge head on, but being able to get to the other side of it with greater wisdom and strength.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2012 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach and author of the international bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly e-newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.