Despite years of therapy and a high degree of professional success, a client came to me a few months ago seeking help with a problem I’ve seen many times in my practice. “Nancy” was plagued by feelings of low self-esteem, unworthiness, and never being good enough. Although she hid it well, the energy it took to maintain the image of someone who had it all together was exhausting her. She was also afraid that others would see through her façade and find out that she was really a fraud. Not only was this causing her a lot of stress at work, her insecurities were having a negative impact on her marriage, as she was often withdrawn and distant with her partner.
None of us are born feeling unworthy. But many of us were raised by well-intentioned but misguided parents, whose own dysfunctions had a diminishing effect on our feelings about ourselves. Low and healthy self-esteem are by-products of the life choices we make and the results they produce in our lives. And our life choices are determined by the core beliefs that we hold as truths about ourselves and the world around us, which typically become ingrained in us by the time we are about seven years old.
For example, if you learned through repeated experiences as a child that you'll only be loved if you fulfill others' expectations of how you should be, then that becomes one of your core beliefs. As an adult, that belief would cause you to habitually make meeting others' needs a greater priority than honoring those of your own. If you're always focused on meeting others' expectations, you're less apt to make life choices that are aligned with who you are, and that activate your innate strengths and potential—all of which are critical to healthy self-esteem, confidence, and an inner sense of balance and authenticity.
The first step in rebuilding your self-esteem, is by examining your family of origin (the family in which you grew up) and identifying the core beliefs you formed in childhood. Unless you’ve “updated” and habituated new thought and behavior patterns, the core beliefs you formed as a child are most likely still dictating or influencing your current behaviors, choices, and life as a whole.
The next step is to differentiate between those beliefs that serve and support you, and those that limit you. It's then critical to update old, limiting beliefs with new ones that allow you to make life choices that align with who you really are, activate your innate potential, and produce the life experiences and accomplishments that are meaningful to you, and support and strengthen your relationship with yourself.